Do Some Women Get Scared Passing Their Baby Out Phobia
Dear Therapist: I'chiliad Scared of Having Kids
I feel a rush of longing when I see a cute baby, but I can't tell if I'm ready to have i of my own.
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Dear Therapist,
I want to be a parent, but I am absolutely terrified. How do I go over this?
I'1000 31 and my husband is 34. My husband has been set up to commencement trying for a while, and in my gut I know I want to exist a parent, but I'grand merely getting more than scared.
Part of the trouble is nosotros don't have much exposure to kids. None of our career-driven, urban, feminist friends are parents, and I would also be the first parent at my company. I unremarkably experience empowered by doing research, so I've read lots of articles and books on the subject area. I was seeking affirmation, but all my reading merely fed my anxiety. I'm a little too well-informed at this bespeak, virtually everything from postpartum depression to childbirth injuries to the fact that nigh couples see their marital satisfaction drop after the birth of a kid. I know I tin't "accept it all" (that dumb phrase!) because the U.Southward. lags far behind other countries in parental leave and back up, and I want to continue my ambitious career even though the system is rigged.
Yet every time I pass a cute baby on the street, I feel a rush of longing. In other moments, I'll inquire myself: Why accident up our perfectly happy, easy lives by taking this crazy leap? The good stuff about having a kid is so ineffable, and then hard to see from the other side, that I judge maybe there is no logical way to determine. We have plenty of money, family unit nearby to aid, etc. I likewise worry virtually waiting also long and not having as much energy every bit an older mom (which is what my own mom was like). My husband is supportive and doesn't want to pressure me, but it does feel similar the clock is ticking. What should I practise?
Anonymous
Dear Bearding,
The paralysis y'all're experiencing brings to mind the famous Einstein quote: "No problem can be solved from the aforementioned level of consciousness that created it." Frequently in therapy I listen for the showtime affair people tell me, before they spin off into confusion and perseveration.
You said upfront that y'all want to exist a parent, but something is holding yous back. That something, though, probably isn't one of the concerns you've listed hither. Yes, kids affect our lives dramatically—our bodies, our marriages, our finances, and our careers (especially, as y'all say, for women in the U.Due south.). Just y'all're right: This isn't a decision that'south made based on logic. You can't research your way through this. The internet offers lots of terrifying data about everything from working mothers to fluctuating hormones, but it won't shed low-cal on your emotional terror—which has left you stuck in ambiguity.
Paralyzing ambivalence often stems from feelings that a person isn't focusing on, or even aware of. Someone who can't decide to the point of paralysis between two boyfriends or jobs or rugs from Westward Elm is probably conflicted near something else—perhaps trust or commitment or becoming an adult. You'll exist able to motility by your ambivalence once you sympathize the real root of it, and it might help to start by looking less at parenthood in full general and more than at childhood—yours.
One of the best things people tin can practice as parents is examine the emotional residual of their own upbringings. If we don't, we tend to either projection these old feelings onto our children or become terrified of taking on the parental office. One-half a century agone, the psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote beautifully about these lurking feelings in a newspaper chosen "Ghosts in the Nursery." Using observations from her work with families, Fraiberg described the means in which issues from our childhoods—what she called ghosts—come unbidden when nosotros get parents (or, in your example, when yous contemplate parenthood). If we felt criticized, unseen, unsupported, controlled, or neglected growing up—and we haven't worked through these feelings equally adults—these ghosts will cause us to re-enact our pasts (or freeze in our tracks for fright of re-creating them).
The one matter you mention about your mom is that she was older and lacked energy, and I wonder if there were times when this upset you, leaving you feeling disappointed or resentful or lonely or sad. You may have wished that she could be more similar your friends' moms. Even if your mom was warm and loving and wonderful in other ways, a kid could easily misinterpret her lack of energy every bit rejection. She'southward too tired to play might have felt similar She'd rather not play. She can't keep this outing with me may have felt like I'chiliad not that important to her.
You might not fifty-fifty know that these (or other) feelings were there, but at present, when yous contemplate having your own child, they return—if only on an unconscious level. My judge is that your real terror is based in self-doubt: Can I be a good parent to my kid? Or will I, too, crusade my child pain if a good bargain of my free energy is too directed toward my career and my spousal relationship? Will my kid feel like I did?
That'due south probably why, despite feeling a rush of longing when you encounter a beautiful baby on the street, doubts nevertheless pop up: Wait, what will happen to my marriage? You've got some fundamental practicalities covered—the money, the family unit members nearby—but across that, no amount of thinking or research is going to move you forward. The fact is, there'south no manner you'll know what it's like to exist a parent until yous are one.
But there is a mode to feel more emotionally ready past delving into the source of the terror: separating out your female parent'south experience of parenthood (and your experience of her every bit a female parent) from what will be your ain experience of parenthood (and your kid's experience of yous as a mother). That's the distinction you need to make. You don't have to accept it all neatly figured out, simply the more than you lot make space for those differences, the less space your terror volition take up.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the communication of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with whatsoever questions you may accept regarding a medical condition.
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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/05/dear-therapist-scared-of-becoming-a-parent/559907/
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